Subject: Room reservation
Dear General Manager,
I would like to stay at the Royal Lahaina Resort for seven nights, arriving May 1, 2009.
However, I have a health condition that makes it a challenge for me to travel: I suffer from narcolepsy.
I have a rare form of the disorder where I fall asleep ten times a day for an hour or more, and then I have insomnia all night. I was first afflicted with narcolepsy in 1999 while saying my wedding vows to my bride. Sadly, when I woke up, my bride was gone!
As a person with a disability, I have a special request that I hope you can accommodate:
I have a stock prodder that is clipped to a gold chain around my neck. If any of your staff find me sleeping, they will need to shock me with it until I regain consciousness. It is very easy to do! Just turn on the switch and press it firmly against my triceps until I open my eyes.
If your staff find me face-down, the safest place to do it is on my buttocks. However, there is no need to pull my pants down. That would be embarrassing!
I usually wake up within a minute or two, but if I seem disoriented, or groan and moan, I would like the staff member to ask me: “Are you fully conscious Mr. Tuckerman?”
If I respond, “Yes, I am fully conscious!”, then there is no need to shock me again. However, if I utter anything else—especially profanity—I will need another shock.
I realize that a stock prodder is normally used to move farm animals, but it is the only thing that will wake me up. If you shake me or shout in my ear, I will only mumble incoherent words, or repeat one word endlessly. I’ve been told it’s really creepy!
I assume full responsibility for any health risks from the use of the stock prodder, and will present you with a signed waiver when I check in.
Your staff may feel reluctant at first to shock me, but most learn to really enjoy it, especially if they are having a stressful day.
One housekeeper told me that after cleaning crap-filled toilets, and dealing with whiny guests who think they are better than other people, shocking me was a total pleasure! Sometimes I go out with the staff member after, buy them a beer, and we take a few selfies.
As an extra incentive, I will give a $10 gratuity to each staff member who shocks me!
If you can accommodate my request to be shocked every day during my stay, please email me your nightly rate at your earliest convenience.
It costs a lot to fly to Hawaii, so I want to be fully conscious and enjoy every minute of it. As a narcoleptic, I live by the following motto: Life is better when you’re wide awake!