Biblical Roger Tuckerman Emails

Driving the Devil out of Detroit

A man wants to open a store called Vatican Cookies and Exorcisms.

devil detroit

From: tuckermanroger@gmail.com
To: scheduling@detroitmi.gov
Subject: Request for a business license

Dear Mayor Mike Duggan,

A 2017 study listed Detroit as the worst big city in America to live in. It was the most dangerous city in 2016 with 13,705 violent crimes. Its population has been decreasing for 60 years.

Detroit needs people who can restore it to its 1950s glory! I am one of those people.

I’m an entrepreneur who wants to bring hope to your once-great city. I am requesting a business license to open a retail store called Vatican Cookies and Exorcisms.

For the past two years, I’ve been trained by the world’s finest exorcists at the Vatican. I learned how to drive demons out of people, in both Latin and English, and was sent on many missions throughout Eastern Europe.

As an exorcist, I witnessed some shocking and unbelievable things: Demon-possessed people foamed at the mouth; their chairs elevated a foot off the floor; and they said nasty things about my mother, even though they’ve never met her.

My experience with the demon-possessed has given me a unique business idea: I want to open a cookie shop with a side room where exorcisms will be performed.

Customers can sit at tables, eat a Bible-themed cookie, and watch a live exorcism through a floor-to-ceiling, plexiglass window. (Plexiglass is strong, shatter-proof, and safe, so the demon-possessed won’t endanger anyone eating a cookie.)

I am confident that the combination of cookies and exorcisms will ensure a broad customer base. I plan to charge $50.00 for an exorcism, which is cheaper than a massage.

This is my advertising slogan: A massage is good for the body, but an exorcism is good for the soul and mind!

All the exorcisms will be filmed, and the person being exorcised will be given a digital copy, so they can upload it to YouTube and share it with their family and friends. These videos will bring hope to the oppressed people of Detroit.

My business will also reduce the violent crime rate. The more exorcisms I perform, the more people who will obey the law!

I know that criminals commit crimes because they choose to do so. However, in many cases, they have been deceived by the Devil that evil is good, and good is evil.

My cookie shop will be a house of deliverance! I will get the demons out of Detroit, one exorcism at a time.

I am flying to Detroit on December 20th. If you would like an exorcism, I would be happy to perform one in your office, free of charge!

In my experience, most politicians need an exorcism. Like the Devil, they lie, make false promises, and only tell people what they want to hear. I guarantee that after a half-hour session, you will feel like an honest politician again!

Thank you for considering my request for a business license, and I look forward to hearing from you at your earliest convenience.

Detroit has one of the highest tax rates of any big city in America, making it a terrible place to invest. If you can provide any tax breaks to help this new business succeed, it would be greatly appreciated.

Yours sincerely,

Roger Tuckerman


Published in Letters from a Madman.

9 comments

  1. Hello, Mr. Lindsay,
    Wow, I just saw your message and read the link you sent me.
    I think the letter sender has it wrong on three important accounts.
    First of all, although deliverance is desirable, it is free of charge, as deliverance is a grace from God. Our local exorcist does not accept any money for deliverance sessions.
    Second, while to video the exorcism is wrong as it violates the privacy of the persons concerned, it will also give the wrong impression to passersby. People might focus more on the possession than on the deliverance itself. Lastly, the work of God is not self seeking. If the man, for all his good intention, truly wants to help Detroit, he can help in more discreet manners instead of in enterprising and sensational ones.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Took me awhile to get here after you were on my site… But I did make it here and Laughed and laughed in my head and once out loud.. which received a funny look from my wife. I read it to her and asked her if she thought it would be a good investment for us… She went back to reading her book. Sorry 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Thank you, Woody, for your thoughtful (and respectful) feedback.

    Just to let you know, the letters of Roger Tuckerman are in the genre of farce. I created this character after reading the hilarious book, More Letters from a Nut by Ted L. Nancy.

    Each letter has something important to say to the reader, but I certainly don’t agree with everything Roger says!

    As far as paying people for exorcisms, it is happening in France right now: https://www.economist.com/news/business/21725320-catholic-church-has-left-big-gap-market-demand-exorcists-soaring-france

    I took a psychology course in my Bachelor of Arts degree, and the instructor (who was not religious) acknowledged that exorcisms are effective on some people. Scientists attribute it to the placebo effect.

    I am a Christian though, and I do believe in the existence of supernatural evil. I can testify to my own experience of sensing a dark presence in a room, and after praying, experiencing that dark presence leave, and being filled with God’s peace.

    The purpose of science is to understand the natural world. The supernatural is a matter of faith and subjective personal experience. The only way to know and experience God is through faith.

    I have a passion to understand the natural (through evidence and reason) and to experience the supernatural through faith and revelation.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Hi Chris, you were right, you like writing about things that people don’t want to talk about.
    For a couple of posts now, i’ve procrastinated and while observances about the subject may speak in my head, I haven’t wanted to join a discussion which I have little if anything to add to.

    As far as ‘Vatican Cookies and Exorcisms’ go, i’m torn.
    Have your beliefs and enjoy them, I want you to live your life. Yet I fear how often working remedies and treatments will be ignored in favour of an archaic religious ceremony which has not produced measurable data.
    Psychology can be tricky, but it has a published history and is shown to often have a theraputic effect.
    Besides, how would such a place be administrated as a medical facility?
    Are matters of Medical practice including insurance and such to be treated so fickle?
    Just to allow a religious, not medical procedure to be sold and registered as a business along-side our butchers and bakers?

    I don’t know.

    If anyone thinks i’m right, wrong or somewhere in-between, I’m keen to know what you think.

    All the best,
    Woody

    Liked by 1 person

  5. ” I plan to charge $50.00 for a half-hour exorcism, which is cheaper than a massage.”

    hahahahahahahaha, you fakeass dumbass.

    Like

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