Subject: Request for a business license
Dear Mayor Mike Duggan,
A 2017 study listed Detroit as the worst big city in America to live in. It was the most dangerous city in 2016 with 13,705 violent crimes. Its population has been decreasing for 60 years.
Detroit needs people who can restore it to its 1950s glory! I am one of those people.
I’m an entrepreneur who wants to bring hope to your once-great city. I am requesting a business license to open a retail store called Vatican Cookies and Exorcisms.
For the past two years, I’ve been trained by the world’s finest exorcists at the Vatican. I learned how to drive demons out of people, in both Latin and English, and was sent on many missions throughout Eastern Europe.
As an exorcist, I witnessed some shocking and unbelievable things: Demon-possessed people foamed at the mouth; their chairs elevated a foot off the floor; and they said nasty things about my mother, even though they’ve never met her.
My experience with the demon-possessed has given me a unique business idea: I want to open a cookie shop with a side room where exorcisms will be performed.
Customers can sit at tables, eat a Bible-themed cookie, and watch a live exorcism through a floor-to-ceiling, plexiglass window. (Plexiglass is strong, shatter-proof, and safe, so the demon-possessed won’t endanger anyone eating a cookie.)
I am confident that the combination of cookies and exorcisms will ensure a broad customer base. I plan to charge $50.00 for an exorcism, which is cheaper than a massage.
This is my advertising slogan: A massage is good for the body, but an exorcism is good for the soul and mind!
All the exorcisms will be filmed, and the person being exorcised will be given a digital copy, so they can upload it to YouTube and share it with their family and friends. These videos will bring hope to the oppressed people of Detroit.
My business will also reduce the violent crime rate. The more exorcisms I perform, the more people who will obey the law!
I know that criminals commit crimes because they choose to do so. However, in many cases, they have been deceived by the Devil that evil is good, and good is evil.
My cookie shop will be a house of deliverance! I will get the demons out of Detroit, one exorcism at a time.
I am flying to Detroit on December 20th. If you would like an exorcism, I would be happy to perform one in your office, free of charge!
In my experience, most politicians need an exorcism. Like the Devil, they lie, make false promises, and only tell people what they want to hear. I guarantee that after a half-hour session, you will feel like an honest politician again!
Thank you for considering my request for a business license, and I look forward to hearing from you at your earliest convenience.
Detroit has one of the highest tax rates of any big city in America, making it a terrible place to invest. If you can provide any tax breaks to help this new business succeed, it would be greatly appreciated.