Subject: Registration for my son
I would like to enroll my son Bart in grade four at Darwin Elementary. However, I am only willing to enroll him if you implement a no-best-friend policy for his class.
The school Bart currently attends allows children to have a best friend, which has resulted in him being excluded. He is the only child in his class without any friends, and he has been falsely accused of bullying.
Bart is big, but he is not a bully. (He is nine-years-old and weighs 120 pounds.)
My son is heavier than average because I let him eat whatever he wants and as much as he wants, two cultural practices passed down to me from my Polish mother, who learned the same from her mother, who learned the same from her mother.
Unfortunately, my son has been rejected by his classmates because of his weight. If you contact his school, they will tell you he is unpopular because he often sits on other boys during lunch hour. However, Bart only does this because he wants to have a best friend. Sadly, all the boys have rejected him!
All the girls in his class have rejected him too. If you contact his school, they will tell you it is because he chases the girls during lunch hour, and when he catches one, he asks her to be his girlfriend. Unfortunately, they all said no, laughed at him, and said he was too fat. This is very damaging to his self-esteem, so he pulls his pants down and moons them.
My son is an unpopular boy, but I hope Darwin Elementary can be a place where he can find love and acceptance. Public schools should practice inclusion.
Case in point: Prince William and Kate Middleton enrolled their son George at Thomas’s Battersea, a school with a no-best-friend policy.
Thomas’s Battersea is a shining light, a moral example to the entire world. If one child can’t have a best friend, then no child should be allowed to have one. All children should be equal, and not have any special privileges.
Thank you for considering my request for a no-best-friend policy, and I look forward to hearing from you at your earliest convenience.