Subject: No longer buying your cologne
Dear Calvin Klein,
I loved all your men’s colognes. I really did. My last purchase was Eternity Intense, which I sprayed on my lower jaw and wrists every morning. The smell was so intoxicating, I felt incredibly sexy. I became hopeful I could finally find a girlfriend!
But a month ago, something shocking happened.
I was waiting at a bus stop when I saw a woman standing beside the bus shelter. She was in her mid-20s, extremely and beautifully round, had a double chin, and wore black high heels, and a red lace bodycon dress.
Feeling an overwhelming attraction to her, I raised my chest high, pulled my stomach in, and approached her with pouty lips, but before I could speak, she twisted her face and cried, “Oh, my God!” Then she turned and trotted down the street!
I’ve never been rejected like that before. Women have often said to me: “I don’t feel like dancing right now”, “I don’t drink coffee”, and “Please don’t contact me ever again.” However, no woman has ever yelled, “Oh, my God!” and ran away from me.
Did I stink? How could that be? I was wearing Eternity Intense.
My self-confidence was badly shaken, but I remembered the words of a Zen Master who mentored me: “If women keep rejecting you, it might be because there is something wrong with you, but if you stare at a cloud for ten hours, you will be okay.”
Comforted by this saying, I went home, sat on my balcony, and stared at the sky until the sun went down.
The next morning, after spraying Eternity Intense on my lower jaw and wrists, I went looking for love again. I took a bus downtown, and saw a Russian woman sitting in the back seat. She was in her mid-50s, had a shaved head, and was missing half her teeth, yet I felt an overpowering attraction to her. I couldn’t resist her She-Devil smile!
As soon as I sat beside her, she cried, “O net, ne snova!” which means: “Oh, no, not again!” Then she opened her purse and put a face mask on.
I was mortified. Two women were repelled by how I smell! How was this possible?
I asked the woman (her name is Olga) why she wore a mask. She explained how cologne makes her head and face hurt. My jaw dropped, and my heart was pierced! At that moment, I knew what I had to do.
When I returned to my apartment, I opened all my bottles of cologne, took one last sniff of each, and flushed them down the toilet. Then I cried a little because I love how great I smell.
The next day, I saw Olga on the bus again, and she was so touched by my personal sacrifice that she agreed to have coffee with me if I would pay for it!
Sadly, Olga stopped seeing me a month ago. She said, “Roger, you stink bad!” It’s not my fault though. Whenever I fall in love, I get so nervous, I sweat like a horse!
I have a request to make of your company. Since Olga dumped me, every woman I’ve asked out has turned me down. Can you create a natural cologne that smells like chocolate?
Most women love chocolate more than sex, so if I smell like a chocolate bar, I believe women will find me irresistible.