Roger Tuckerman Emails

The Man Who Repelled Women with Cologne

A man is shocked to discover that women are repelled by his cologne.


Subject: No Longer Buying Your Cologne

Dear Calvin Klein,

I’m 33 years old, and I loved all your men’s colognes. I really did. Every morning, I sprayed Eternity Intense on my lower jaw and wrists; then I left my apartment. The smell was so intoxicating, I felt incredibly sexy. I became hopeful I could finally find a girlfriend!

But a month ago, something shocking happened. I switched to Obsessed; then I walked to the bus stop, and saw a 250-pound woman standing beside the bus shelter. In her mid-20s, she had a double chin, high heels, and was wearing a tight-fitting red lace bodycon dress.

Feeling an overwhelming attraction to her, I raised my chest high, pulled my stomach in, and approached her with pouty lips, but before I could speak, she twisted her face and cried, “Oh, my God!” Then she turned and trotted down the street!

I’ve never been rejected like this before. Women have often said to me: “I don’t feel like dancing right now”, “I don’t drink coffee”, and “I don’t want a man in my life.” However, no woman has ever said, “Oh, my God!” and walked away from me. Did I stink? How could that be? I was wearing Obsessed.

My self-confidence was badly shaken, but I remembered the words of a Zen Master: “If women keep rejecting you, it might be because there is something wrong with you, but if you stare at a cloud for ten hours, you will be okay.” Comforted by this saying, I went home, sat on my balcony, and stared at the sky for a very long time.

A week later, I switched back to Eternity Intense, and went looking for love again. I took a bus downtown, and saw a Russian woman sitting in the back seat. She was ten years older than me, had a shaved head, and was missing half her teeth, yet I felt strangely attracted to her. I couldn’t resist her she-devil smile!

As soon as I sat beside her, she cried, “O net, ne snova!” which means: “Oh, no, not again!” Then she opened her purse and put a face mask on. I was mortified. Two women in one week repelled by how I smell! How was this possible?

I asked the woman why she wore a mask. She explained how cologne makes her face hurt really bad. My jaw dropped, and my heart was pierced! At that moment, I knew what I had to do.

When I returned to my apartment, I opened all my bottles of cologne, took one last sniff of each, then flushed them down the toilet. I cried a little because I love how great I smell, but I will not cause anyone pain by wearing cologne in public!

Sadly, Olga—the woman I met on the bus—broke up with me a week ago. She said, “Roger, you stink bad!” It’s all Olga’s fault though. The she-devil put a love spell on me! Whenever I fall in love, I get so nervous, I sweat like a horse!

I have a request to make of your company. Since Olga dumped me, every woman I’ve asked out has turned me down! Can you create a natural cologne that smells like chocolate? A majority of women love chocolate more than sex, so if I smell like a chocolate bar, I believe it will increase my chances of finding a girlfriend.

I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Yours truly,

Roger Tuckerman


  1. I love all these fictional letters. I didn’t know it was a common thing, but “Letters From a Nut” and “Even More Letters From a Nut” are the only two humor books I keep in my personal library, so I guess this genre is really right up my alley. I’d love to buy a copy if you’ve published an anthology of Roger’s crazy emails!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Chris, I loved your story!!It made me laugh (with) not at Roger Tuckerman….. I agree with the need for scent free and scent reduction workplaces but like we do as humans, sometimes we go overboard in our enthusiasm to enforce the “rules”. On a flight recently I was intimately wedged in the dreaded centre seat in peasant class between two large business men who each had at least a foot on me in height and width to proportion. There was no sharing the arm rests… they were lost and I was left like a willow in the wind in the aura of competing aftershave so strong I could taste it in my throat. So, I had a glass of wine, shut my eyes and feigned sleep so I wouldn’t have to actually meet the Roger Tuckermans. Having said this, though…… I don’t discount the attraction of a nice smelling man….maybe have been known to stand a little closer in that security line just to sniff……just sayin’.

    Liked by 1 person

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