Roger Tuckerman Emails

The Number-One Reason for Weight Gain

A man has a theory about what kind of foods cause weight gain.


Subject: Question about Your Products

Dear General Manager,

I’ve been shopping at your Kelowna Superstore since my 30th birthday. That was the day my mother kicked me out of her house because I never paid her any rent. A week later, I got a job at a gas station, and learned how to live independently. In the past year, I’ve learned how to cook, do laundry, and buy my own groceries!

My favourite thing to do when I shop at your store is introduce myself to women. Although no one has said yes (yet) to going out with me, I am not discouraged by this. I believe that if I ask 1,000 women out for coffee, the odds are very good that one will say yes!

In addition to meeting women, I also like looking at other people’s shopping carts when I buy my groceries. In the past six weeks, I’ve noticed a strong correlation between the amount of processed foods in people’s carts and the body mass of the person pushing the cart. I have a theory that this correlation is in fact causation.

As a case in point, I was at your store last Sunday, and saw a 300-pound man exploring the dairy section. I looked at his cart and counted three boxes of Fruity Loops, a box of crackers, three meat-lovers pizzas, a box of Hungry Man classic fried chicken, a bag of white rice, a package of pepperoni, and a can of Diet Coke. I politely asked the man: “Do you think you are obese because of your food choices?” What happened next, I did not see coming! The man swore at me, ran over my foot with his cart, and then he snatched my lactose-free yogurt out of my hand, which was the last tub on the shelf!

I don’t want to file a complaint against the fat man because I’m confident karma (or heart disease) will get him eventually, but I’m hoping you can answer a question for me. As the manager of a grocery store, I’m sure you have expert knowledge on all the products that you carry. Can you confirm if eating processed foods is linked to weight gain? If eating these products is why I’ve gained 50 pounds in the past year, I will have to start making different food choices, or perhaps eat less.

I look forward to hearing from you soon.


Roger Tuckerman


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