Roger Tuckerman Emails

Death from Candy

A shocking story about eating candy.

candy sorbitol

From: tuckermanroger@gmail.com
To: jengoddard@tru.ca
Subject: Death from Candy

Dear Ms. Goddard,

My instructor said the Writing Centre can help me become a better writer. So I made an appointment last week with Mackenzie. I thought she was a really good tutor. She talked super-fast, and I learned a lot. Grammar often confuses me badly, but Mackenzie made it clear. Im confident I get an A now!

However, I have one major complaint. After my appointment, I took a big handful of candy from the bowl on the table and stuffed it in my pocket. Then I went outside and sat on a bench. It was warm and sunny, the air smelled clean, the birds were singing. Beautiful people were walking by. I was in heaven! Then I reached in my pocket and put a candy in my mouth.

I was not prepared for the hell that happened next. The candy was sweetened with sorbitol! I ate a red one and butterscotch one, and both gave me a gag reflex. I couldn’t eat any more, so I fed the rest of the candies to the pigeons. They had great difficulty eating them too. One pigeon died!

That poor pigeon did not have to choke to death. If the Writing Centre had high-quality candy, I would have eaten it. To prevent another needless tragedy, I am asking that you buy brands like Werther’s, Lifesavers, or Halloween-size Mars Bars. My tuition is $5,187 a year, so I know the University can afford it. Students deserve better than what I was sucking on.

If you buy better quality candy, I promise I will tell all my friends, and they will make an appointment with Mackenzie. They are hungry and eager to learn grammar.

Sincerely,

Roger Tuckerman

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