Subject: I Have Toxic Masculinity!
Attention: Admissions Officer
I read that Brown University has a course called Unlearning Toxic Masculinity. I was wondering what the pre-requisites are and how much tuition costs.
I recently learned that I am filled with toxic masculinity.
My journey to awareness began after I had a picnic in a state park with my girlfriend Sally. We were eating cucumber sandwiches (that I had made for her) when we heard a cat high up in a pine tree. The cat was so afraid, it was shaking and couldn’t get down. Sally told me to climb the tree and rescue the cat.
I’m always eager to please Sally in any way that I can, so I climbed ten feet up the tree, but when I looked down, my heart began to pound. I made a voiceless cry, and with Sally’s help, I slid down the tree trunk without hurting myself.
Once my heart rate returned to normal, I yelled at the cat and threw a dozen rocks at it, but it still clung to the branch! Then I poured my soy milk onto a plate, but it wouldn’t come down.
A week later, I read in the newspaper that the cat died, and Sally blamed me. She said if I wasn’t such a “spineless coward” that poor cat would still be someone’s pet. And the next day she dumped me!
I don’t know what to do. My masculinity is so toxic, it repelled my high school sweetheart.
I’m hoping your course will teach me how to be a real man.