Roger Tuckerman Emails

I want to move to Mexico

Roger Tuckerman believes he was born in the wrong country.

mexican flag

From: tuckermanroger@gmail.com
To: informesdrdf@inami.gob.mx
Subject: Financial assistance for immigrants

Dear Señor or Señora,

I want to immigrate to Mexico and become a citizen.

All my life I’ve felt like I don’t belong in Canada. I feel like I was born in the wrong country. (My mother also believes she gave birth to the wrong child.)

Biologically, I’m a white male, but I self-identify as a Mexican and practice your culture on a regular basis.

Every Tuesday, I go to Taco Barn for all-you-can-eat tacos; I import roosters from Tijuana for my annual cockfighting festival; and my favourite cartoon of all-time is Speedy Gonzales, the Spanish-speaking mouse!

Speedy inspired me to get my driver’s license when I turned 21. Despite failing my driver’s test six times, I’m now one of the safest and fastest drivers in Canada!

Consider my driving record: I consistently drive 10 to 100 kilometers over the speed limit, yet I’ve never had a car accident! My friends tell me I’m the human version of Speedy Gonzales!

To become more like Speedy, I took Spanish 101 at University. Sadly, I failed it twice, and three years later, I can’t remember anything I learned. If I move to Mexico, and try to find a job, I will be a marginalized person because I don’t speak Spanish.

I believe that if an immigrant can’t speak the language of the country they move to, they should receive a disability benefit until they learn the national language.

Would your government be willing to give me a disability benefit of 10,000 pesos ($691 CAD) per month? That’s my monthly income in Canada, after I’ve paid my speeding tickets.

I eagerly await your decision.

Sincerely,

Roger Tuckerman


Published in Letters from a Madman.

6 comments

  1. It’s funny, I am Mexican and I feel like I belong to Canada. Can we switch places? In the other hand I think it would be very easy for you to move to Mexico as there are many American companies that work directly with US and people MUST know English, so you would be very helpful.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Clearly a case of cultural appropriation. I must report this immediately to my local SJW Gestapo.

    Sorry, muchacho, but you’re on your way to a re-education camp, pronto!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Back when I smoked pot … and there was a time … I was so young and sexy and hip, I responded to the question of my pot-smoking presence here in OZ, ” It’s Ok”, I assured them, “they’ve revoked my passport and they’re deporting me to Mexico !” It seemed funny at the time !

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Nice post…..and it looks like we share the same attitude to driving and to our own native countries…….Every time I go back to Italy I wonder what do I have to do with that country🤷🏻‍♀️

    Liked by 1 person

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