From: Roger Tuckerman <email@example.com>
Sent: April 18, 2022 8:32 AM
To: Lisa Goddard <XXXXXXXX@tru.ca>
Subject: Long Night Against Procrastination
Dear Ms. Goddard,
Two Rivers University is hosting an event called Long Night Against Procrastination. I understand you oversee the workshops and are looking for presenters.
Although I am not currently a TRU student (as I failed all my courses last semester and can’t get anymore student loans), I would like to host a workshop as I have a unique talent.
I am the proud owner of a crystal ball (jet black, shiny, 12 inches in diameter—just like the one Sauron used in The Lord of the Rings!) I bought it on eBay. When I tell my friends I got it for $500—the regular price was $5,000—they look at me with astonishment!
When I look into my crystal ball, I can tell students what their final exam mark will be. For this service, I only charge $4.99 per grade. Telling students their future grades can help reduce their anxiety, unless of course, they are going to fail. Then they get really stressed out!
However, if students have an “F” in their future, it is better they know now than to find out after they write their exams. When this happened to me, I was emotionally devastated. If I knew I would have failed, I might have studied!
If your students are going to fail, my crystal ball workshop will inspire them to stop procrastinating. (Fear of getting an “F” is a powerful motivator.) As a special bonus, if anyone is failing their courses, I am available for free hugs! And if they want to take a selfie with me, I only charge 25 cents.
If my workshop interests you (and my crystal ball has shown me you are thinking about it right now) don’t procrastinate! Be a role model to your students. Email me today!
I spent all my savings on my crystal ball, so I hope you’ll say yes. Unfortunately, my crystal ball hasn’t shown me what your answer will be. But if you don’t contact me soon, I might not be available. I’ve been procrastinating on finding a job, and I have a lot of bills to pay!