Death from Candy

From: tuckerman@gmail.com
To: lgoddard@tru.ca
Subject: complaint about candy

Dear Lisa Goddard,

I’m taking English 1100 this semester, but I’m not getting the grade I thought I would. My instructor told me The Writing Centre can help me become a better writer, so I made an appointment last week with a tutor.

Grammar often confuses me badly, but Mackenzie made it all clear. She talked super-fast, and I learned a lot! I wrote an essay and got a C on it! I couldn’t have done it without Mackenzie! She’s the best! Give that girl a raise!

Although I’m very happy with Mackenzie, I have a complaint about The Writing Centre. After my appointment, I took a big handful of candy from the bowl on the front desk and stuffed it in my pant pocket. Then I filled my other pant pocket. Then I put more candy in my backpack. Then Joan (the receptionist) said something to me, so I went outside to do some self-reflection.

I sat on a bench. It was warm and sunny, the air smelled clean, the pigeons were making cooing sounds. I was in heaven! I unwrapped a candy and put it in my mouth. It was butterscotch, my favorite flavor.

I was not prepared for the hell that happened next. That candy was sweetened with sorbitol!

I sucked on the candy, and then I started gagging. I felt myself throwing up a little, so I spit the candy on the grass. Then a pigeon came near me and tried to eat it. He had a hard time sucking on it too! He choked, fell over, and didn’t move. The pigeon died!

I felt bad and started to cry, but after posting my experience on Facebook, I had mental clarity. My online friends convinced me it wasn’t my fault! If The Writing Centre had high quality candy, I would have eaten it, and the pigeon’s heart would still be beating.

To avoid another needless tragedy, I’m asking that you buy brands like Werther’s, Lifesavers, or King-Size Mars Bars. Full-time tuition is $5,542 a year, so I know The Writing Centre can afford it.

If you buy better quality candy, I promise I will tell all my friends, and they will make an appointment with Mackenzie. They are hungry and eager to learn grammar.

Sincerely,

Roger Tuckerman

Click here to purchase my Kindle eBook: Letters from a Madman