Roger Tuckerman

Death from Candy

A shocking story about eating candy.

candy sorbitol

Subject: complaint about candy

Dear Lisa Goddard,

I’m taking English 1100 this semester, but I’m not getting the grade I thought I would. My instructor told me The Writing Centre can help me become a better writer, so I made an appointment last week with a tutor.

Grammar often confuses me badly, but Mackenzie made it all clear. She talked super-fast, and I learned a lot! I wrote an essay and got a C on it! I couldn’t have done it without Mackenzie! She’s the best! Give that girl a raise!

Although I’m very happy with Mackenzie, I have a complaint about The Writing Centre. After my appointment, I took a big handful of candy from the bowl on the front desk and stuffed it in my pant pocket. Then I filled my other pant pocket. Then I put more candy in my backpack. Then Joan (the receptionist) said something to me, so I went outside to do some self-reflection.

I sat on a bench. It was warm and sunny, the air smelled clean, the pigeons were making cooing sounds. I was in heaven! I unwrapped a candy and put it in my mouth. It was butterscotch, my favorite flavor.

I was not prepared for the hell that happened next. That candy was sweetened with sorbitol!

I sucked on the candy, and then I started gagging. I felt myself throwing up a little, so I spit the candy on the grass. Then a pigeon came near me and tried to eat it. He had a hard time sucking on it too! He choked, fell over, and didn’t move. The pigeon died!

I felt bad and started to cry, but after posting my experience on Facebook, I had mental clarity. My online friends convinced me it wasn’t my fault! If The Writing Centre had high quality candy, I would have eaten it, and the pigeon’s heart would still be beating.

To avoid another needless tragedy, I’m asking that you buy brands like Werther’s, Lifesavers, or King-Size Mars Bars. Full-time tuition is $5,542 a year, so I know The Writing Centre can afford it.

If you buy better quality candy, I promise I will tell all my friends, and they will make an appointment with Mackenzie. They are hungry and eager to learn grammar.


Roger Tuckerman

Click here to purchase my Kindle eBook: Letters from a Madman

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