How to stop procrastinating

From: Roger Tuckerman <tuckerman@gmail.com>
Sent: November 9, 2022
To: Lisa Goddard <goddard@tru.ca>
Subject: how to stop procrastinating

Dear Ms. Goddard,

I was excited to hear the Writing Centre and the Library are hosting an event called Long Night Against Procrastination. I understand that you oversee the workshops and are looking for presenters.  

Although I am no longer a student at Thompson Rivers University (as I failed all my courses last semester and can’t get any more student loans), I would like to host a workshop. I have a unique talent that will help students get good grades!    

I am the proud owner of a crystal ball: jet black and haunted—just like the one Sauron had in The Lord of the Rings! I bought it on eBay. When I tell my friends I got it for $500—the regular price was $5,000—they look at me with astonishment! 

When I look into my crystal ball, I can tell students what their final exam mark will be. For this service, I only charge $4.99 per grade. Telling students their future grades can help reduce their anxiety, unless of course, they are going to fail. Then they get really stressed out!      

I realize my workshop will emotionally unsettle some students. However, if someone has an “F” in their future, it’s better they know now instead of finding out after they write their exams. When I failed all my courses, I was emotionally devastated. If I knew I was going to fail, I might have studied! 

My workshop will inspire students to stop procrastinating. To get a good-paying job, you need a degree, diploma, or certificate in something. After attending my workshop, your students will see what happens when you don’t finish your education. I have a high school diploma, and I’m trying to make a living with a crystal ball!

As a special bonus, if my crystal ball tells me a student will fail, I’m available for free hugs! A hug will increase their levels of oxytocin, the happy hormone. And if they want to increase their dopamine levels, they can take a selfie with me!

If my workshop interests you (and my crystal ball has shown me you are thinking about it right now) don’t procrastinate! Be a role model to your students and email me today!  

I spent all my savings on my crystal ball, so I hope you’ll say yes. Unfortunately, my crystal ball hasn’t shown me what your answer will be. But if you don’t contact me soon, I might not be available. My mother wants me to start paying rent, and I’ve been procrastinating on finding a job!

Sincerely,

Roger Tuckerman