Dracula (Christopher Lee) hires Jonathan Harker as his librarian. Knowing that his employer is a vampire, Jonathan plans to kill him, but Dracula locks him in his room. Dracula’s castle is like the Hotel California: “You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
A damsel in distress begs Jonathan to help her escape. Her ample cleavage is an obvious clue that she is Dracula’s bride, but Jonathan, who has no vampire-hunting skills, embraces her. She gives him a hickey that will last forever.
When Dracula chooses a woman to be his bride, she is powerless to resist him. Lucy removes her cross and lays on her bed, a look of nervous excitement on her face. As Dracula hovers over her, his male gaze mesmerizes her. But this bad boy is not a good long-term marriage partner.
Likewise, Mina is seduced by Dracula’s charms. He deceives her, sending a message to meet her husband at the undertaker. When she comes home, her face is radiant, as if she had the best sex in her life. Dracula awakens a passionate desire in women, but ultimately, he sucks the life out of them.
This toxic male must be destroyed, and only a professional vampire hunter can do the job. Van Helsing (Peter Cushing) is that man. Although Dracula nearly chokes him to death, Van Helsing outwits the vampire by playing possum. Dracula is dismayed—he can’t drink the blood of a dead man. He just lost his lunch.
Van Helsing springs to his feet, runs across the table, and leaps through the air like a circus performer. Pulling down the curtains, the morning sunshine floods the room. As Dracula crumbles into dust, two things are clear: Darkness is destroyed by light, and some people are just not morning people.
Christopher John Lindsay 