I’m an employee at Two Rivers University, and when I come to work, I often bring my goose with me. I ride to work on my bicycle, and he runs beside me with a rope tied around his neck.
Whether human or animal, we all need exercise. My goose isn’t physically fit. When I ride on my bike, he can barely keep up with me!
I bring my goose to work because it’s a great way to meet women. When I see a woman I find attractive, I ask her to take a photo of me and my goose. After that, I make small talk and try to get to know her. My goose is a great wingman!
I bought him at a farmer’s market when he was a gosling. He’s two years old now and fully grown. However, he honks all the time and doesn’t behave like a mature adult. He’s an Emden goose with white feathers, orange feet, and blue eyes. The dames love him!
And he’s big. Last week, I put him on my bathroom scale, and he weighed 22 pounds. I feed him barley, birdseed, and hot dogs!
On December 10th, something happened to my goose. I came to work and tied him to a tree, but at noon, when I went to feed him, he was gone. Someone cut his rope and set him free! What kind of person would do that?
Maybe it was an animal-rights activist who released him into the wild. Or a student who can’t afford to buy a turkey for Christmas. Or a vegetarian who got a sudden craving for meat.
Whoever it was, they had no right to steal my goose. Private property is the foundation of western civilization. Without private property rights, we are no longer free. My goose belongs to me!
To get my goose back, I sent the following email to students and staff:
If you see a goose walking around on campus, he’s mine. If you hear him cackling, don’t be alarmed. He’s looking for a mate.
He’s very friendly and rarely bites anyone. He’s also fully vaccinated (but not against Covid-19). If you feel comfortable picking him up, please bring him to my office in OM 1411. He responds to the name, Juicy Goosey. I recommend grabbing him by the feet and neck.
It’s been three days now, and my goose is still missing. I don’t know what to do. If I don’t find him, everyone in my family will be so disappointed. My brothers and sisters are coming home for Christmas. They can’t wait to see how big my goose is. My father talks about Juicy Goosey all the time. He loves geese.
And my mother wants me to bring him to her house on Christmas Day. She’s planning to cook him for dinner!